Unfinished Business
by Sagadog
Summary: Harm takes Mac up to his Granny's to help her get over the marriage that wasn't to be. But is his presence really a help? Or do they have too many unresolved things to take care of first? A sequel to "You've been talking in your sleep".


TITLE: Unfinished Business

AUTHOR: Sagadog

RATING: PG-13

CLASSIFICATION: S,A,R (kind of)

SPOILERS: Anything up until Lifeline. But they didn't solve the issue with the bikini and being topless on the ferry.

DISCLAIMER: You all know the drill.. I'm only borrowing them for a while for the fun of it, and then I'll return them to their rightful owners.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a sequel to "You've Been Talking in Your Sleep". Thanks a million minus what-ever-it-is-we've-come-to-by-now to copycat for beta-reading this one.s

0600 ZULU

THE ROBERT'S RESIDENCE

"Do you think I hurt her very deeply? She hasn't spoken to me since I ruined her wedding." Harriet looks at her husband lying next to her.

"Harriet, what do you expect from her? A note of gratitude?" Bud doesn't understand his wife. How could she fail to see that all Mac needed was some time to come to terms with it all? Especially seeing that Harm hadn't confessed how he felt, and probably wouldn't in the nearest future either. Harriet had of course told Bud all about it.

"Do you think I should call her?" Harriet keeps going.

"It's the middle of the night." Buds looks at her in disbelieve. How could she even suggest it?

"You're right. I'd better wait till morning. I just want to talk to her, to make her see why I did it."

"Oh, I'm sure she does. She just needs some time to digest it."

"It's not a piece of food."

"Let's just wait and see. Now, go to sleep, Harriet." Bud turns his back to her. "G'night"

"Good night."

MAC'S APARTMENT AT THE SAME TIME.

I can't fall asleep. Insomnia has been an even more frequent guest of mine ever since Harriet made me run out of the church laeving Mic standing at the alter. My thoughts keep returning to the conversation Harm and I had when he came after me as I stormed out. Or rather, to the things still left unsaid. I was sure Harriet was referring to Harm when she said the one I love also loves me. Heck, it couldn't be anyone but him. He's the only one I love. There's no denying it anymore. I'm through with the pretence, I did enough of that when I thought that I could forget my feelings for Harm and learn to love Mic even more than I did. That's the stupid thing, I *do* care for Mic, just not the same way as I do Harm. Not the kind of love that should lead to marriage. I just didn't want to let Mic be yet another failed relationship. I can't take much more misjudgement on my part, at least not when it comes to men.

But that day, when Harm and I were talking outside the church, he never mentioned anything about how he feels about me. Sure, he said that he was sorry to see me hurt and that I didn't deserve it, but that was basically it. I have to admit I'm a little disappointed with him. No, that's wrong, not with him, with myself. He was there for me, and has tried to be ever since. It is I who won't let him near. I can't bear it, having him near and knowing that he's the reason Mic and I didn't get married.

I'm disappointed with myself because I know deep inside - a very long way down, that I wasn't being fair to Mic, I was just using him. No, I'm also disappointed in Harm for not telling me how he feels. I mean, he's got to have feelings for me, right? I shouldn't think so, I know. After all, I didn't tell him that Harriet was referring to him when she said that I loved someone else. And I can't be sure that it was him she was referring to. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever told Harriet how much I love Harm. Why does life have to be so complicated? 

I haven't been to work after that day. The admiral told me to take the days off I had planned on spending on my honeymoon. I unplugged my phone as soon as I came home and locked the door. Jingo is with the Roberts' as he would be had I been on my honeymoon. I don't want to see anyone; they can't clear up this mess I've created around and within myself. 

1400 ZULU

THE NEXT DAY

MAC'S APARTMENT

It was great to get outside. I've been cooped up at home too long. The morning run was great, and it helped me clear my head. I have to get on with my life even if I don't have anyone who loves me at the moment. Not that I'm no longer mad or annoyed, but I've come to terms with the fact that Harriet only did it for my sake, and it's not her fault that Harm didn't say anything. Then again, maybe she was wrong when she said that he loves me too, or perhaps it wasn't him she was referring to after all. But whom else could she be referring to? 

I haven't talked to her since what should have been my wedding day and I'm sure she's a nervous wreck wondering if I'm mad at her. I should pay her a visit today. She's home with AJ at the moment according to the message she has left on my machine while I was out running. Apparently he's come down with something. I plugged the phone in just before I left, figured I might as well 'coz I wouldn't have to talk to whoever called if anyone did.

******

I'm worried about her. She's been cooped up in her apartment since last Saturday. There's no reply when I try to contact her. No one knows how she's doing and knowing her it's not too well. Her disposition won't let her talk to anyone about how she feels, instead she keeps it all inside. I know I shouldn't talk seeing that it's just the same way that I react to happenings beyond my control, but still.

I had every opportunity to tell her how I feel when we were standing outside of the church. I've tried to do it before, but the words never entered her head. But then again, who would listen if someone said that the man you were about to marry was no good for you, even if that one was technically your best friend, or should I say former best friend. I don't know where I stand in her life anymore.

At some stage it seemed as if we were going to get our friendship back on track, but then Mic and Renee entered the scenario and everything got even more messed up and awkward. Why is it that we keep talking past each other and hurt one another? I don't want that to happen, I don't want to see her hurt and especially not by me. No matter how hard she tries to pretend that she's fine, and doesn't care about what others think about her, she can't fool me. It does matter to her it does to everyone. I just don't like seeing her wounded and at the moment she's severely injured on an emotionally level. I want to help her heal, I want to be there for her and to let her know that no matter what happens I'll be there for her. After all she's my best friend.

That's why I've talked the admiral into letting me have some days leave and to prolong Mac's leave beyond this week where she should have been on her honeymoon. I want to take her up to a place that's special to me. It will be good for her and help her clear her head and make her come to terms with what has happened and move on. I know it helped me when I crashed. 

1600 ZULU

THE ROBERT'S RESIDENCE

"Coming," I can hear Harriet rushing behind the door.

"Hi, Ma'am. Come on in. How are you?"

"Hi Harriet. Please, call me Mac. After all, you were the one to intrude at my wedding." I can't help but tease her. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold back a smile either. She looks too nervous already and there's no reason to fry her even more, I'm sure she's more than capable of doing so herself. 

"How is my favourite god-son doing?" I hold my hand over to a miserable looking AJ on Harriet's arm. 

"Well, he's running a little fever and has been moody all morning." She's looking down at AJ.

"You want to say hi to aunt Mac?" He nods to his mum and reaches for me.

The first thing he does as he gets into my arms is to snuggle up against my neck. He is definitely off form. 

"Do you want something to drink?" 

"Uh, no thanks."

MEANWHILE AT MAC'S APARTMENT

I use my spare key to get into her flat. I need to get my plan started and I want it to be a surprise to her. That's why I have to pack for her. She'd never agree to go with me if I asked her. She would tell me that she is a marine and that she can take care of herself. Sure she probably can, but would she? 

She needs to talk to someone, and maybe a change of scenery will do the trick. Harriet was ecstatic when I told her of my plans and she was glad to comply. 

I go into the bedroom and find a bag to pack some of her clothes in. Even the admiral has agreed to help getting Mac back to normal as best as possible. All of us who care about her are worried on her behalf. Ok, so maybe Lt. Singer isn't, but the rest of JAG is.

I don't really know where Mac keeps all her things, so there is nothing else to do than start rummaging around the drawers. Her bedroom is not the place where I normally spend my time when I'm here. Not that I would mind spending the majority of my time here..

It isn't too difficult to find some clothes that will fit where we're are going. The tricky part is going to be hiding from Mac that some of her stuff is missing. I just hope that she won't notice it.

I manage to find the drawer with underwear. I did not think Mac would use this kind of underwear. 'It's called lingerie, Flyboy' I can hear her voice in my head correcting me. Anyway, there isn't that much cloth in much of it. I wonder how it'll look on her body. Is this what she wears underneath her uniform? Everyone is always making jokes about what Scotsmen wear under the kilt, but this could be just as much fun. 'So, what do female Marine colonels wear under their uniform?' Just like the one with why female marines are like energiser bunnies, this one is better left unanswered until one can discover it personally. Wonder if I can get to find out first hand? Especially if it were these black thongs. A vivid image of Mac wearing nothing but the lingerie under her skirt is entering my mind and I have to smile. I can see myself looking up under her skirt and up at those. I shake my head to return to the present. I doubt that this line of thoughts will get me anywhere practical.

I have to hurry up, Mac will probably be home soon and I have a long drive ahead of me. I can't wait to see the look on her face. I check that the flowers and the note attached to them are on the counter where I left them before hurrying out - as if they could go anywhere by themselves.

^^^^^^

"Harriet, I have to get going, and little AJ will probably be more than happy to have his mummy to himself." I look at my godson and have a hard time fighting back the tears that suddenly threaten to fall. If it hadn't been for Harriet, in a year this could be me, it could be my child I was holding and not AJ. Then again, it wouldn't have been all that great knowing that it wasn't Harm's baby. Harriet is looking at her watch again. She's been doing that a lot this afternoon.

"Oh Mac, not yet, won't you stay for lunch? I could really use the company." She's looking at me as only she can do it, and there is no way I'll be able to turn her down.

"Alright, I'll stay. But can I take AJ up and put him to bed?" The little fellow has fallen asleep on my arm and I can't help smiling as I look at him. 

"Sure, why don't you take him up and I'll get started at lunch." Harriet smiles. It's great to talk to her again, and I still have to tell her that I'm not mad at her for messing up the wedding. 

^^^^^^

I look down at the little boy as I pull his blanket closer around him. He looks so cute and innocent as he lies there sleeping. I wish everything could be just as easy as it still is for him. I guess that's one of the downsides about growing up. I better get down to Harriet again.

0100 ZULU

MAC'S APARTMENT

I find my key to unlock the door. Harriet and I spent the entire afternoon talking. It was great to get everything out in the open. She already knew about my feelings for Harm, she was right when she came to that conclusion by listening to me talk in my sleep. It is so embarrassing. How can I ever share a room with anyone again and still feel safe if I expose my feelings like that when I sleep? 

There is something different as I enter my apartment I can feel it. I notice a dozen red roses standing on my counter. Wonder who they're from? I find the card and read it.

'Come flying with me tomorrow. Be at the airstrip at 1000 hours. Dress warm. Harm' 

A smile sneaks up on me. I've missed his company eventhough I'm still angry with him. Maybe tomorrow I can tell him that, or maybe he can convince me that there's nothing to be mad about. It's not as if I want to stay mad at him; I can't stay mad at him for very long and most of my anger has already subsided anyway. As long as the trip doesn't contain an encounter with some poachers I'm game. Why not?

NEXT DAY

1300 ZULU

MAC'S APARTMENT

Morning finds me wide-awake. I'm actually looking forward to flying with Harm. After my daily run I'll take a quick shower, some breakfast and then I'll be on my way. I wonder where he'll take me; no matter where it'll be a relief to get away from here if only for the day. 

I hurry to get ready, and soon after I'm on my way.

1500 ZULU

ON THE WAY TO THE AIRFIELD

She's going to kill me for being late. There is nothing new under the sun. Why is it that I can never seem to be on time? I mean, come on, how hard can it be? Mac seems capable of doing it, and if she can I can. Why won't she tell me how she can tell the time as she can in a language I speak? It's typical of Renee to call just as I am ready to leave. I couldn't tell her that I was going to be late for my meeting Mac or she would be the one to kill me. Women. Then again, would it matter if she got angry with me? It's not something that has never happened before, and I doubt that she expects me to let my friends down even if she does feel threatened by Mac. Funny, she must be psychic or is it that ' women's intuition thing' that kicks in? 

The SUV has decided to play slow fox today. I hit the gas pedal and change the gear. Yeah, that was better. It's great to feel the horsepower do their magic.

I can't wait to see Mac again. I just hope she'll be there. It was a big chance to take and she might not even want to go. I don't know what to do if she's not there. It'll probably be something drastic. Let's just hope that this time everything will work out and I won't get her into any danger as seems to be a habit of mine every time I take her flying. 

I could get her flying in so many ways, if she'd let me. One day I'll get her to eat her words that dress whites and gold wings are overrated. But that's another mission. Now I just have to make it in time for my own funeral.

1500 ZULU

THE AIRFIELD

Harm hasn't arrived by the time I get here, so I stay put in my car. Fortunately I don't have to wait that long before he gets here.

"Hi Mac. Are you ready?" He's smiling to me. I've missed that smile. Sure I'm ready to have a nice day out with my best friend.

"Yeah, where are we going?"

"That's a surprise." He says smiling to me.

"You know I don't like surprises."

"I think you'll like this one."

"As long as it's not a repetition of last time you took me flying in Sarah." I have a weird feeling that he will make me fly in a non-literal sense, as usual. He always makes me feel like I'm flying when he's around. 

"I don't feel like being some poachers live target for target-practise."

"I can promise you that much." He laughs at me.

"Are you sure? Don't make a promise you can't keep. If I recall last time correctly, all you wanted to do was take me flying, just like now. You never intended to run into those guys, it just happened."

"I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't happen again. Is that better for you?"

I smile to him and nod. "You're on." 

Harm is going through his pre-flight. The radio is on and it's on some pop station. They're playing Westlife. Chloe made me listen to them last time she visited me. They're not too bad for an boyband. And they're Irish - yeah, back to my roots.

****** 

What is that? The speaker says it's Westlife. Westlife? I thought that really popular boyband all the teenage girls love was called Backstreet Boys? They still sound like a group of gays trying to be masculine. How did they ever get popular? They're not even good looking. Does Mac like that stuff? She can't. Well, she's singing along to it. 

Typical, here you walk around trying to get your plane ready for take off and the radio put that thing on. 

Oh good, it's over maybe they'll get around to play some decent music now. Give me some Dire Straight, Rolling Stones or Billie Holiday. That's music. Or Jimmy Hendrix. 

Guess it's too much to ask a dj to have good taste in music nowadays. He just put the Corrs on. Ok, it's better than that boyband he just played, but still. Mac seems to enjoy this stuff to because she's still singing along.

Better hurry up before they put more junk on. Irish junk that is. I thought the Irish were supposed to be talented musicians. Guess even the best can make mistakes. If I had my guitar here I'd show Mac what music is all about.

It's kinda funny to watch her swaying unconsciously to the music. She should do that more often. Maybe she does; I'm just not around. She could be dancing around her apartment in the buff singing along to that kind of music. Maybe it's not all that bad after all. It could even be called music in some remote sense of the word.

Oh no, now the song's finished. Well, maybe they'll put some other Irish band on. Yeah, they did. Catatonia. This stuff is getting better and better. Mac is still singing along. Where does she hear these songs?

"Hey Mac, what is it with you and all these Irish bands?" I'm done with the pre-flight.

"What do you mean?" She looks at me.

"You know, first you sang along to Westlife, then it was the Corrs and now it is Catatonia. What is it with you and Irish bands?" 

"First of all, Catatonia is not Irish, they're Welsh. Second, Chloe made me listen to Westlife last time she was here. The Corrs. I actually like them, they're not bad." She starts laughing. "You thought Catatonia was Irish?" 

As much as I like hearing her laugh again I feel stupid because I am the reason she's laughing. I just shrug, there's nothing else to do when she's like this.

SOMEWHERE UP IN THE AIR

I'm having a brilliant time. We've been flying for quite a while now. I'm enjoying the feeling of my hair blowing in the wind, and Harm's presence.

"So, are you going to tell me where we're going?" I'm dying of curiosity.

"No, it's a surprise, and trust me you're going to love it."

Somehow, I don't doubt it.

*****

She seems to be ok with me taking control of what's going to happen and that's not like her. But at least she's talking to me now. That's why I think she'll love it where we're going. She has to. I don't know why, but it's important to me that she does, maybe because that place holds so many memories for me. So far, so good.

LATER THAT EVENING

GRANDMA RABB'S FARM

I'm standing on the front porch enjoying the view. It's so peaceful and calming here, just like Harm said it would be. I hadn't expected him to take me up to his grandmother's place. She's not here at the moment, but it doesn't seem to bother Harm, he just goes about doing everything he would have had she been here -basically making himself at home. He told me to go out here and look at the sunset while he prepares dinner.

I got his old room while he took one further down the hall. There are still posters of different aircraft up on the walls; the room is so much *him*, it even smells of him. It's just a faint odour, but it's there. I'll be comfortable there knowing that he used to sleep in the same bed. God, I really have to get a grip on my thoughts and myself. If I want to succumb to the level where I'll grab on to the smallest thing that reminds me of him and turn it into an important one, I'm on the right track; if not I better change direction immediately. Am I strong enough to do so? Do I really want to? My heart says yes loud and clear but a distant voice in my head strongly advises against it.

I can hear the door open and the sound is accompanied by a delicious smell of food. Actually, my stomach has made its demands known for the past 20 min. Harm walks up and stands next to me. He doesn't say a word, just stands there looking towards he forest with a distant gaze in his eyes. I wonder what he's thinking about and especially if his thoughts are running along the same track as mine, but I doubt it. It's not an awkward silence as it often is when two people are standing together without conversing. That's one of the things I like so much about our friendship, we don't always have to say anything. Ok, sometimes we fight like cat and dog, but that's just because we've both got a temper that won't let us give in and leaves us able to compete with donkey's for the title as Most Stubborn. It gives me a challenge now and again and I probably need it. No, I *do* need it. 

We're finally getting our friendship back on track. All I have to do now is forget Renee's existence and the fact that Harm is hers.

My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a car coming up the driveway. Harms seems surprised too, guess he didn't expect company. The car comes to a stop in front of us; there are three persons in it; a man is driving and two women are sitting in the back. Harm walks down and opens the door in one side.

*****

What are they doing here? They weren't supposed to be here before Saturday and that's why I took Mac up here. I didn't want anyone to disturb us. Sure, it's great to see my family again, but it's not how I had planned it.

"Grandma, welcome home. I thought you were going to stay in La Jolla till the weekend?" I'm a little surprised to see them and I'm sure they can tell by the sound of my voice.

"What a way to greet your grandma." She says with a smile. 

******

So this is the famous Sarah Rabb. It's about time I meet the woman that has such a big place in Harm's heart.

"Aren't you going to say 'Hello' to me?" The other woman interrupts.

"Sure, hi mum. Did you have a nice trip?" Confusion is radiating from Harm and causes his mum to laugh.

"Hello, son." The man interferes

"Frank." Harm nods his hello.

"And who is the pretty lady hiding on the front porch?" Frank looks at me and I can feel the embarrassment float up into my cheeks. How impolite of me to just stand here. But before I have time to react Harm is by my side and puts his arm around my shoulders to nudge me forward.

"I'd like you all to meet my partner Sarah Mackenzie."

"Mac, this is my grandma." He leads me over to her.

"Hello Mrs. Rabb, nice to meet you." What can I say besides the usual trivialities? 

"Please, call me grandma, everyone else does." She smiles as she squeezes my hand firmly. Can she feel how nervous I am?

"This is my mum. Mum, this is Mac." He seems anxious. Why does he emphasise my name? He told them what it is to begin with.

"So, you're the one my son keeps talking about when he calls. It's nice to finally meet you, and about time, may I add." The latter sentence she says while she looks at Harm.

"It's nice to meet you too, Mrs. Burnett." 

"Please, Trish'll do. Her undivided attention is back at me. "What brings you here?" 

"Uhm, I didn't even know we were going up here until we landed." I answer a bit puzzled.

A slight cough interrupts our little chit-chat. 

"Mac, this is Frank." Harm says.

"May I say it's delightful to meet such a beautiful woman as you?" 

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine, Mr. Burnett." I say. To my surprise Frank begins to laugh. What did I say wrong?

"Haha, I like this girl. She's got humour. Didn't the others just tell you to call them grandma and Trish? Frank's just fine, Mac." 

Catching the teasing tone in his voice I decide two can play that game.

"Sir, yes sir." I stand at attention.

"Uhh... At ease." Then we both laugh, the others join in and the tension is gone. 

"What's that smell?" Trish is the first to move.

"I was just cooking some dinner for us. If you had told me you'd be coming I would made some for you too, but I'm afraid there's only enough for two." Harm looks at his mum.

"That's alright, we stopped for dinner on the way."

^^^^^^

******

"This isn't bad, Harm," Mac says as she smiles.

"Thanks, I do my best." I throw her one of my flyboy smiles. I know what effect my smile has on her. Ok, I admit, I do use it as my weapon, who wouldn't?

Mum and grandma are talking about actors. Funny, I thought that was something you'd stop talking about when you'd got through puberty.

"Mum, have you ever seen 'Sliding Doors'?" Trish looks at her.

Grandma looks as if she hasn't got a clue.

"It's the one with Gwyneth Paltrow and John Hannah." Mac explains.

"Oh, yeah, I remember him. He's the one with the sexy accent." There is a light in her eyes.

"Amen to that." Mac smile to her. 

"Mac, what is it with you and Irish people?" Now I really want to know.

"He's not Irish, he's Scottish!" Trish, Grandma and Mac say in unison.

******

How clueless can he be? That's the second time he's got his nationalities mixed up. Harm's just full of the funny ones today.

SAME PLACE, LATER ON THAT EVENING

Once again I find myself on the front porch, this time with a cup of coffee in my hands. Harm is doing the dishes and wouldn't let me help. Frank comes out to join me. He seems to be a nice man, and I actually feel I can trust him with anything, just like I can his stepson; we talked a little while Harm finished dinner.

"It's beautiful out here. I understand why Harm enjoys being here so much." I don't really know what to say, but decide that the scenery is always a start, just like the weather.

"It is, indeed. It's his sanctuary, its peacefulness has a calming effect on him and he needs it now and again. I guess we all do. Where is yours?" Frank looks at me and I can't help but frown, so he goes on, "if you don't mind me asking, that is?" 

No, that's alright. I don't really have one. I used to go visit my uncle when I needed someone to talk to; but now he's in Leavenworth, so I can't go to his place anymore."

"I'm sad to hear it, but you're always welcome here. I'm sure grandma wouldn't mind, and she'd love your company." Frank offers before he goes on. "I mean, Harm keeps telling me you've had a hard life and.." I jerk by the sound of his words, How much has he told him about my past? And, more importantly, *what* has he told him? My past is not something I'm proud of and I would prefer to be the one to be in control of who knows about it and who doesn't. Besides, I didn't think they talked all that much. "What exactly has he told you?" I have to know.

"Nothing specific, just that your life before you joined the Corps was a rough one and that you're still trying to deal with it. He also says that you're doing a brilliant job of it most of the time. And that makes you a woman he's proud to know and call friend. It's one of the things he admires so much about you. But he hasn't mentioned a word of why or how life was hard on you." 

So there is more than one thing about me that he admires? I can't really be mad at him for telling Frank - annoyed, sure, but not mad. After all, he, if any, should be able to understand for how long your past can dominate your present. He's had to live and deal with Harm and his obsessions. And that only took until Harm was in his mid thirties. If *he* couldn't understand, who could? But I still would have liked to be the one to tell him. Technically I still can, as Harm hasn't given him any details. But I don't really know him, so I better not.

"I hope you don't mind him telling me, he was just anxious to get me to understand why he values your friendship so much. Listen, if you ever want to talk about it, just know that I'll always be there. And I'd love to get to know you better; I know Trish does too. You have managed to get underneath Harm's skin, which rarely happens. The only other person who I know of that has done the same is his grandma." Frank says as he puts his hand on my arm for a brief moment and I can see the honesty behind his words reflected in his eyes.

What does he mean I've got under his skin? That he trusts me? That I can talk to him? Understand some of his obsessions?

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Do you mind telling me what you mean I've got under Harm's skin?" I'm a little nervous asking that question but I have to know. What if he'll say that Harriet is right, that he *does* love me as more than a friend? I know I should abandon that thought, but I can't. Pathetic, I know but it's beyond my control.

"You're all he talks about when he calls. He trusts you more than anyone else. You're always on his mind. Though, the last six months he's sounded different when he's talked about you, defeated somehow."

A quick count tells me that that was the time..

"That was the time I moved Mic's ring over." Could it really have had that big an effect on him? I don't even realise I've said it out loud until Frank's next question reveals that I did.

"Mic, that's the name of your fiancee, isn't it? When's the wedding?" Harm obviously hasn't told him about that disaster. 

"Uhm, Saturday a week ago. Or rather, that's when it was supposed to have taken place." I can't look into his eyes because it still hurts; I thought I was fine with it, but I guess I wasn't after all. This place makes me unable to think so because it means so much to him.

"What happened? Did Harm finally get the sock out of his mouth?"

"No, Harriet stopped it. Listen, I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind." Then I realise what he just revealed, or maybe not. Tell me what? That he loves me? No, I'm putting words into his mouth; putting too much into a vague statement that I have no proof is right. But couldn't you say that he just *did* say that Harm has feelings for me? I must be imagining things.

"That's okay. If you ever feel like talking though..." Frank lets the rest of the sentence hang unsaid, but I know what it was. He puts her hand on my shoulder and it has a calming effect on me. I nod to let him know the message is received. Then he goes inside again leaving me alone with my thoughts.

THE FRONT PORCH

Does Harm have feelings for me besides that go beyond friendship? Is that how Frank's words are to be interpreted? Wouldn't Harm have said anything by now if he did? He has had plenty of opportunities to do so. I guess I'm only a friend to him. I want to be so much more, but if friendship is all I'm going to get from him, then I'll settle for it. A life without Harm, one way or another, is something I'd rather not think about. 

How come I feel I can trust Frank? I'm normally on my guard towards strangers. Well, maybe it's because he reminds me of my uncle. He has the same way of not pushing you into talking about stuff you'd rather keep to yourself. I think he would understand my confused mind like no one else can. Strange.

^^^^^^

"Mac, are you alright?" The sound of Harm's voice penetrates my thoughts. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, why shouldn't I be?"

"You've been out here for a couple of hours now." He looks worried.

My internal clock tells me his right.

"I know, I'm just enjoying the peace and quiet. I understand why you like this place so much. It brings tranquillity to a troubled mind."

"Something you want to talk about?" He comes over and stands next to me.

"Not really." I turn towards him and look into his marvellous eyes. I could easily get lost in them and never find my way out again. 

"How about a short walk before we call it a day?" He smiles to me obviously noticing that I can't help staring at him.

"Sure, that'd be nice. Lead the way."

*****

Why does Mac keep looking at me? Do I have something on my face? What can it be that's on her mind to cause her to be out here for so long? Is she thinking of Bugme? Why won't she tell me? Is it something I have done? I won't push her cause that won't get her to open up to me. I can't really do anything as it is except trust that she'll talk to me when she's ready. 

*****

We walk in silence. I do want to talk to him, but for once I don't know what to say.

"I hope you don't mind me bringing you here. I thought it was just going to be the two of us spending some time together. My parents said that they weren't coming until Sunday."

"That's alright. We can still spend time together eventhough they're here, and I've always wanted to meet your family." We stop simultaneously. 

"I wanted you to meet them too. And I know my mum was dying to meet you."

"Yeah, so Frank said."

"He did?"

"Yeah."

"What else did he say? You were talking for quite a while there." A curious look comes to Harm's face.

"Nothing much. He just said that if I wanted to talk he was ready to listen. He seems to be a nice man."

"Guess so." "You know, I'm also there if you want to talk, no matter what time or location." 

"I know." The truth is I do, but how can I tell him what's going on in my head when he's part of the problem, if not the entire problem? I can't.

"You wanna head back?" He has noticed I couldn't keep a yawn back.

"Yes, I am getting a little tired."

05000 ZULU

THE LIVING ROOM

I can't sleep cos I can't help wondering how Mac is really doing. She seems to be getting better and better, but I would be surprised if she can get over it just like that as she wants to pretend she can. If she would just talk to me like she used to. I miss how we could talk and tease each other. I want our old friendship back. There's no use in trying to get back to sleep tonight, so I might as well just sit here and look out at the stars.

It's funny how the stars can make me calm down and relax, but that's always been the case. When I was a boy I used to look at the stars and think that my dad was looking at the same stars and that would make me feel he was near. I wonder what Mac thinks of when she looks at the stars. Does she think about me? I would like nothing more than to take her for a walk on a clear starlit night. Just walk hand in hand with her and let the calmness of the stars settle everything between us and solve all the problems the future might bring.

0500 ZULU

MAC'S ROOM

I can't fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, I'm wrecked, but I can't forget that the last person who slept here was Harm. The smell of him is still in the madras and it's making sleep impossible. I wish he was here, that it was the real him I could smell and not just some faint memory, that I could feel his arms around me tugging me close into him. But reality is very different; the only thing embracing me here is the duvet.

I have to get up; staying here isn't going to help much. I try to be as quiet as I can as I walk down the stairs. The others have gone to bed, and I'm sure they're having no problems sleeping. 

There is someone in the living room I think. No light is on, but I can see the outlines of a figure. It's Harm.

"Couldn't sleep?" He turns around by the sound of my voice.

"No, and neither could you I take it." He walks over to me as he speaks.

"Nothing new there."

"What do you mean? Is your insomnia getting worse?"

"Hm, I don't know. It's just, with everything that has happened lately, I haven't been able to relax enough to sleep. My thoughts won't give me that much peace."

"With the wedding you mean?"

"Yeah, that too?"

"Care to elaborate?" He leads the way to the couch.

"Well, that pretty much sums it up, the wedding I mean, and the thoughts it brought. Have you ever, I mean, no you haven't, you have Renee and she obviously loves you, and I'm sure that..." I'm rambling, I know, but I don't know how to formulate what I want to say. How do you tell about your insecurities when it comes to love?

"Mac, what do you mean? It can't be that hard to say, can it?" We sit down next to each other.

"Ok, uhm, have you ever wondered if you're ever going to find the one and only? Mic obviously wasn't the one. I didn't need Harriet to tell me that, nor that he wasn't the one I love." I have to be more careful with what I say or I'll reveal too much.

"If you didn't love him then why did you agree to marry Mic?"

"I thought I could learn to love him."

"Why learn to love him? If love didn't come naturally, did you actually think it would come at all?" He sounds confused.

"Yes, I did."

"But why settle for that? You deserve so much better." He takes my hand and unconsciously starts rubbing my knuckles. 

"I'm not getting any younger, and I just thought that when I couldn't get Mr. Right then I'd have to settle for someone else, and Mic seemed to want me." I can see my words startle him.

"You were going to settle with something less than love?"

"It wasn't less than love. Mic did love me."

"But you didn't love him." It isn't a question, but I nod anyhow. "Why?"

"Haven't I already told you? I couldn't get the one I love." Might as well take it as far as I dare and leave it to him to figure out the puzzle.

"Who was that?" 

"I can't tell you." I can tell my words hurt him, but I just can't. I can't face the pain that would follow. After all, he does have Renee and I have no right to interfere with their relationship.

"Why?"

"I just can't, we don't talk anymore. It's not that I don't want to, believe me. I'll tell you as soon as I can get the words out of my mouth."

"I know we don't talk to each other like we used to, believe me it hurts me too. It's not how I wanted things to go, and I don't know why they did." He looks thoughtful "Maybe I do, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I can only hope that it isn't too late to get our friendship back. I don't want to lose you, Mac." He looks sincere and scared. I don't' want to lose him either.

"Me too. Do you think we can start all over?"

"No, but we can take it from here and make sure it's going to work. If we just say what we mean, talk to each other and trust in one another. I want our friendship back, I want you back in my life."

"And I want you back in mine. I want to give it a chance."

I look at him and I can see the honesty in his eyes as he takes my hand and gives it a firm squeeze.

"Mac, you said you wanted to tell me as soon as you could, but how hard can it be? What would happen if you did?"

"I'd probably end up getting hurt, and I don't want to." I can't look him into the eyes. I can't even believe I'm telling him this much. It must be because of the dark I can tell him as much as I can. Amazing what darkness can get you to do.

"I would never hurt you. Mac, I care about you and want our friendship back to where it was." He lets go of my hand, takes hold of my jaw and turns my head so that I face him. I want more than his friendship and that's the problem.

"I know you wouldn't hurt me intentionally, Harm. But I still think that I'd end up getting hurt, and I can't handle that much pain again." I can feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes. I better leave before I break down and cry. If I did I would tell him everything about how I feel; How I love him so much that it hurts all the way trough my bones when he's not around. And when he is it still hurts because he's not mine and I can't touch him or kiss him. I start to get up, but Harm grabs my arm and pulls me back.

"Don't go, Mac, please don't leave now." He's voice is pleading.

My voice won't obey me as I try to explain why I can't stay, so I can do nothing but to sit down. Harm pulls me close to him and wraps his arms around me. I wanted to stay in his arms, but not like this, not because he feels like he has to comfort me. I try to get up, but my body isn't obeying the command, instead it seems to snuggle in closer to him. I can feel my eyes getting drowsy and my eyelids growing heavy.

"Mac, are you cold?" His voice is soft and caring. I nod, I am cold but no cold could make me leave his embrace. He stretches his arm and grabs blanket, which he tugs around me. I close my eyes and enjoy the smell of him.

THE NEXT MORNING

MAC'S ROOM

The sound of birds singing wakes me up. I'm warm and well rested. I stretch my body lazily. I don't want to get out of bed yet. Out of bed? How did I get back into bed? As far as I remember I was sitting on the couch with Harm's arms around me. Harm's arms.. Mmm. It felt so great; So secure and safe. 

There is a knock at the door.

"Come in." I pull the duvet closer around me. It's Harm, and he seems wide-awake and happy as he walks in and sits down on the edge of the bed.

"Did you sleep well?" He smiles to me as he reaches out to brush a lock of hair off my forehead. 

"Yes I did, thanks. Did you carry me in here?"

"Yes I did. Do you know you talk in your sleep?"

Oh no, what happened? What have I said now? Please, don't let me have said anything about how I feel about him.

"I do?" Might as well play ignorant and hope he doesn't remember Harriet's words at the wedding.

"Yes you do, and just in case you didn't register my reply last night, I'm glad I know you too and that you're my friend." He gives me a - smile as he goes on. "Nice black thongs, is that what you wear under you uniform?"

How did he know I'm wearing black thongs? What happened? Did I do something I shouldn't? Surely, I would remember if something had happened, wouldn't I? It's not like I was drunk or otherwise passed out I was just sleeping. I'm not that heavy a sleeper, I *would* have noticed.

"No comment." 

He just grins and gets up again.

"Breakfast's ready when you are." Then he leaves me to myself.

Just what happened last night? What did I say? What did I do? How can I get him tell me? Help.

******

So, I did get to experience Mac wearing those black thongs.. I have to admit I think it's fun. Her blanket slid aside when I was putting her to bed last night, and she was wearing a nightgown, which on its own, also slid up and allowed me a perfect view of her rear-end. I'm glad it did 'coz I would never have been able to see that perfect sight otherwise.

^^^^^^

By the time I get down to the kitchen I can hear laughter. It's Harm and Frank who are talking and clearly having a brilliant time.

"Good morning, sunshine. Did you sleep well?" Frank looks at me laughter still in his eyes. 

"Good morning, yes I slept fine, thanks." It's difficult to hold back a big grin when you're greeted with a nice comment and a good mood. 

Harm doesn't say anything, but he looks at me with a big smile that lights up his eyes and thereby my world. Man, I'm in for a hard time here.

"Are you two going to go into town today?" Frank takes a sip of his coffee while Harm hands me a mug. That man is a genius, coffee is just what I need, besides Harm, that is.

"Yes, that was the plan, it's Monday after all and that mean there's the market and I know Grandma needs some things that she normally buys there."

"I better get off to work. See you later." And with that Frank leaves. I guess he also has some stuff to do out here even if his job is in La Jolla.

"It's Monday today?" Where is my normal sense of times and days? Ok, I can still tell the time, but I thought it was Friday today. If it's Monday I should be at work, I was due back today.

"Harm, we have to be at work." I'm confused and can't get a grip on what's going on at all.

"Yes, it's Monday. I thought you knew that. No, we don't have to be at work. I talked the admiral into giving you a few days extra leave to get back to normal, and while I was at it I asked for some myself. We agreed that a change of scenery would do you good." He looks at me as if he doesn't know how I will react, like I'm going to explode. The funny thing is, normally I would have, but I don't feel mad at all, on the contrary. He'd do that for me? Wow.

"I don't know what to say. Why?" Confusion seems to have become a great friend of mine.

"Well, don't get mad now, please. You've just seemed like you were locking everything inside yourself as usual. Only this time you didn't act as you normally do when you're hurt. This time you didn't even try to convince us all that you were fine and that you were more than capable of doing your job as you recovered. You know, the admiral was really worried about you, in fact it was his idea that I should try to talk to you, not that he needed to tell me, I would have done it anyway. It was my idea to bring you up here, but only because I know the peace and tranquillity this place brings and I thought that it was what you needed. Plus, I hoped it would give us a chance of getting our friendship back." 

I'm speechless, I don't know what to say and do. Before I know what I'm doing I'm walking over to him, take him in my arms and hold him tight. 

"Thanks. I hope so too." That's all I can manage to say, but somehow I know that's enough to make him understand how much what he has done for me means to me.

His arms feel strong against my back as he hugs me. I don't ever want him to let go of me again. I turn my head and rest it on his shoulder. The smell of him makes me calm so I close my eyes and enjoy the moment. It'll be over before I want it to. I wish I could stay here forever. Everything would be so much easier if I knew that I could be in his arms everytime things got rough and I needed someone. I want to hold him forever and be there for him when he needs it. 

Time seems to have come to a halt. I know it hasn't, my inner clock tells me that it hasn't been half a minute since I put my arms around him, but I also know that I'll have to let go of him soon or it'll seem strange.

"When are we due back at JAG?" I finally ask as I try to force my arms to let go of him, but he is the one to stop me by holding me even tighter for a few seconds before he reluctantly releases me; or at least I think it's reluctantly. Strange what hopes can make you think of other peoples motivation for their actions. 

"Wednesday morning. So we have today and most of tomorrow before we fly back." 

"What about Renee? Does she know that you're here?" The realistic side of me asks, as the other is about to explode with anger. 

"No she doesn't. She's away on some commercial. She doesn't have to know about every single move I make." He looks serious. 

"No, guess she doesn't. How about some breakfast?" I'm hungry.

My last comment makes Harm laugh.

"That's my marine." He goes about getting the last things ready. 

'My marine', he called me 'My marine'. No, he can't mean it like that; it was just a remark on how he knows me, that's all. Don't put something into it that isn't there.

THE TOWN

1700 ZULU

It's a beautiful little town with lots of small shops that sell local specialities, and it brings a cosy atmosphere to the place.

There's a little market with fresh vegetables and flowers. 

This is where we have to do some shopping for Harm's grandmother. Harm has gone a little further down while I have a look at one of the booths. They sell clothes in this end of the market. 

"A penny for your thoughts." The sound of Harm's voice in my ear makes me jump. Especially since the words don't sound right. 

"Surprised to see me?" He laughs gently.

"I hadn't heard you coming." I smile at the sight of him. His hands are full of bags and in his mouth is a single red rose.

"Need a hand?" I take the rose out of his mouth.

"With what?" He makes eyes at me.

"Yellow light. I meant with the bags." It's nice to know that we're back at the friendly badgering.

"No, you got what I wanted you to get." 

"And what was that?" I haven't taken anything from him to relief him.

"The rose, I got it for you." He smiles one of his earth-shattering smiles.

"Thanks, that was nice of you." My face lights up with joy. It was really a sweet though.

"Anything for you, Mac. But is that all the thanks I get?" What is he up to? Well, I guess I can come up with another way of thanking him. I lean up on my toes and place a feather light kiss on his cheek.

"Much better," he states. 

"How about we put this in the car and then I take you on the great tour of Belleville?" We head towards the car.

"That sound fine to me. Does the tour include lunch?" I'm getting hungry.

"Yes, ma'am" Harm throws a mock salute at me.

******

I can't believe I just did that. Where did I get the nerve to give her a rose let alone ask her if that was all the thanks I was going to get. I mean, I've wanted to for a long time but earlier I didn't have the right to as long as she belonged to Mic. The name alone sends a shiver down my spine. God, I came so close to losing her friendship. To lose her.

But why would I lose her friendship just because of a absurd marriage? Sure, I didn't like the guy, calling him a man is not something I want to do. He sure didn't act like one when he forced her to make a decision against her will. 

The answer to that question is fairly simple, yet so complicated. I could live with the fact that she was married to another man if he were good for her, but one who was no good I couldn't. But the thought of her sleeping in the same bed as him, ugh. I don't even want to finish that thought. It should be me.

It should be me? Did I just think that? Where did that come from? No, it should be me, I want to be the one she lays close to in the night, the one she turns to when the weight of the world becomes too much. She wouldn't admit to it, but there are little signs that show when she's had enough, and I want to be there for her. I want to be there when she gets her next promotion. When our first child is born. Might as well face it, Rabb, you want to be the one to share her life with her. Then do something about it.

Is that what she wants? Has she forgiven me for what happened in Australia? Hardly, but is her wish still the same? Does she want to be with me? There's only one way to find out, but it comes complete with hills going up and down and holes in the road and smooth stretches. 

******

We put the groceries in the car and start the tour. 

"This is where Mark and I poured water over the baker and nearly got caught." Harm has leaded me down a little lane behind the bakery. The path is uneven and I stumble on a stone, but just before I fall Harm catches my hand.

"Careful there, or you'll end up getting hurt." He smiles, and helps me get the balance back but doesn't let go of my hand.

We walk up a hill. On top there is a small park with a little lake. Something has changed between us, I think. There is a relaxed atmosphere that hasn't been there for the past year and a half. Not since all the trouble with Mic and Renee started. Now there's only Renee left. The thought makes my heart heavy. Why is Harm acting like he is towards me? I mean, he's normally nice and all, but ever since we came here he's changed and is more relaxed and is nicer than ever. Why? A sigh escapes me.

******

There's something bothering Mac, but what is it? It's hard to see her beautiful face wrinkled with vexation. My hand automatically reaches out to touch her arm to let her know I'm there if she needs me.

******

"What's the matter, Mac?" He looks concerned as he squeezes my hand, which he is still holding on to.

"Nothing, I was just thinking." I try to send him a smile that says I'm ok, but I'm failing miserably.

Harm stops under a tree and turns to look at me.

"Anything you want to talk about?" He sits down, leans up against the tree and motions for me to sit down beside him.

"Not really, I'm not sure I can put words on my thoughts." Liar, it's one word, five letters long, starting with an R and ends with an E. And there's only one other consonant and two more vowels in it. How can so few letters cause so many problems? Guess it started long before she got into our lives. It probably began already when Harm left me to go flying, and then when he returned it only got worse.

Harm puts an arm around my shoulder and draws me closer to him. I have to put my head on his shoulder if I don't want to fall. And one almost-fall today is enough. I lean my forehead against his neck and take comfort in the smell of him. 

"Are you thinking about Mic?" It's the first time since that Saturday that he has mentioned it.

"Kind of." I don't really know what to say.

"Do you want to try and explain it?" He encourages me.

"Umm, please forgive me if I'm being too direct here, but this might be the only way I can explain it." He nods for me to go on. But I don't know how to explain what I want him to understand, not when I can see his face. Why is it that it's easier to say things that are hard to say when you can't see the person you're talking to?

"I can't, not when you can see me." 

"Then come here." He senses I'm uncomfortable, spreads his legs and indicate that I can sit between them. Hmm, not exactly what I had in mind, but any excuse to be as near him as I can.

Once I'm settled and leaning against his chest my heart starts beating like crazy. Calm down, it's just Harm. 'Yeah, and your using him as a backrest, you can feel him against every inch of your back,' a voice inside my head chirps. 'And it was on his initiative' it goes on. "Oh shut up."

"What did you say?" Harm moves his head so that he can look at me. Oops, did I just say that out loud?

"Uhm, nothing."

He frowns, I don't think he bought it.

******

Did she just tell me to shut up? No, it must have been something else she was responding to. A cheerful bird, maybe? 

What is it that she so obviously wants to tell me but can't get over her lips? Does it have something to do with Bugme? No, she would have told me. Or does it have something to do with why she looked so vexed earlier? Whatever the reason is I love it for making me able to sit like this with her, but on the other hand I hate it because it's causing her distress. I snake my arms around her waist. It's a dare, she might get angry with me and shut down harder than a clam, but I'll take the risk, this feels too great. Now, I want to know what's on her mind. 

******

"Ok, do you feel like trying to explain what's on your mind now?" Not really, but I don't think there's a way out now. Better get it over with and out into the open. It's not going to be easy, but it has to be done.

"Promise me you won't get mad at me, and that we can still talk after I've said what I want to? I don't mean any of it as an accusation, I just want to settle all the unresolved issues between us so that we can get our friendship back?" When he nods I go on.

"Ok. I'm glad you brought me up here, cause it seems to work. I mean, we're getting back to being able to talk to each other, and we haven't been able to do that for a long time. I don't want to lose my best friend, but ever since you left me to go flying, and Mic appeared it seems that I have, at least to a degree. I don't blame you for wanting to fly again. I understand you had to, but it still hurt that you didn't even tell me." 

"Mac, I can't explain why I didn't tell you. I should have, but it just happened so fast, and I didn't think the admiral would approve my change of designator so soon. But just to let you know, I didn't leave you."

"It felt that way." It's all I can say as a lump has taken residence in my throat.

"Yeah, I guess it must have. That was how I felt when you went to work with Lowne."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that."

"It's ok, it's all in the past." He puts his arms around me and my hands automatically starts brushing up and down his arms until they come to a rest on his upper arms and leave the brushing to my thumbs.

"Yeah, it is. And I don't blame you for going flying, but when you came back things seemed to get worse day by day."

"I felt that you no longer had room in your life for me. You had Mic." His voice is low and there is a tone in it I can't put my finger on what is. Is it fear? Hurt? A combination?

"I'll always have room for you. You're my best friend."

"And you're mine." He holds me closer for a short while before he presses a kiss to my hair and then releases the pressure, but he keeps his arms wrapped around me.

"Mic didn't take your place, Harm."

"He didn't? It sure felt that way." Now I have the tone pinned down. It is hurt.

"I didn't want it to. But I couldn't understand the way you acted when you came back. You seemed to want everything to return to the way they were before you left, but at the same time you had changed."

"And you hadn't?" His tone is neutral.

"Yeah, I had. But I was still hurt at the time. I.." I don't really know how to explain it so that he'll understand and not get too upset.

"You?"

"I, umm, I don't know. It was like it wasn't you. Sure, it was your physical appearance, but it wasn't your personality."

"I was frightened. I thought that you wanted to spend all your time with Mic, and that you didn't want me around. And then when you accepted his ring." He takes a deep breath and holds me closer again. He leans his head on my shoulder. I raise one hand and run it through his hair to comfort him. I didn't know my accepting Mic's ring had such an effect on him. How could it hurt him so much?

"I was scared too." My voice is low.

"You? But why did you accept it then?

"You didn't want me; you made that clear on the ferry." The words are out of my mouth before I get a chance to realise what I said.

"What? Mac, all I said was that I didn't want a one night stand."

"You said that you couldn't let go and taht you were only that way with me."

"Yes, I did. But you wanted a quickie, and I.."

"I did not. How can you think that?" I interrupt him. How dare he? Doesn't he know me at all? I would *never* have a one-night-stand with anyone, least of all him. I get up. I can't sit still. I start pacing in front of him ti keep my emotions at bay. 

"Well, you went topless in front of a man you hardly knew and who made it very clear that he wanted you, and at the same time you kept coming on to me."

"I did not go topless." The rest of what he said I can't deny; I did come on to him, I wanted him to know I wanted more from him than friedship. I thought he knew that.

"You didn't?" He seems to relax a little and that in turn makes me calm down a bit."But, but... I couldn't see your bikini straps over the magazine." He sounds puzzled.

"I had them tied around my back so that I wouldn't get any strap marks. " I start laughing – I can't help it. "You thought I'd go topless with Mic?

He seems embarrased as he looks down on the ground. I pull his chin up to look at him. The pain in his eyes is intense.

"Yeah." He hesitates a little before saying it.

"Was that what made you think that all I wanted was to have you for a night?"

"Wasn't it?" I mean, come on Mac, I told you I couldn't let go and yet the next ady you show up wearing his ring. What did you expect me to believe?" The hurt is back in his eyes, but this time I don't think it'll be a good idea to touch him.

"No, it wasn't. And I can't believe you could think that low of me. I thought you knew me."

"So did I, but the way you acted down there was different from the Mac I know, and the new Mac, well.. She might have been different from you on that point. I was confused, and then you took his ring, and it hurt. I didn't want to lose you completely, but you had already started to slip away."

"I didn't mean to, Harm. I thought that what you said was that you didn't want me at all. I didn't know that you thought I just wanted you for the night. That's why it hurt so much when you said you couldn't let go. I thought that.." The memory makes tears threaten to fall. Harm comes over and embraces me again.

Neither of us says anything for a long while. I don't dare, afraid that it'll break the moment, so I relish in the feeling of being in his arms.

"Do you know that we just had a conversation about our feelings? How many times has that happened?" I step as far back as his arms around me will allow.

He shrugs. "I guess we did. I don't think that has happened that many times. But it cleared the air a little, didn't it?"

"I hope so." I smile to him.

"Come on, we better get back to the farm so that granny has what she needs for dinner." He lets go of me but puts his arm around my waist as we walk back to the car.

******

It's the first time we ever sat down and talked about how we without getting upset and yelling at each other. That's what I call progress. Maybe there's still hope that everything will work out for the best after all? I normally feel very uncomfortable talking about how I feel. To say I didn't feel uncomfortable talking about it just now would be a lie, but I'm kind of proud of myself for not reacting on it and shutting down. But knowing Mac, it had to be done and it's great to get it over with. 

We've reached the car and I open the door. I look at Mac. I have the strongest urge to hug her. Might as well give it a try. I don't think she'd hit me if I did. She seems so vulnerable. 

It feels great to have her in my arms. It's as if she's made just to fit there. Let it go, Rabb and get in the car before it gets too late, you promised to have grandma's groceries back before she starts on dinner.

0200 ZULU

THE FARM

I sit on the front porch with Frank. The others have gone for a walk on the beach. I didn't feel like it, and had hoped that they would all go and leave me alone with my thoughts. It's been such a brilliant day. I finally got things talked through with Harm. Sure, there are still some things we haven't talked about, but I don't expect miracles. It's a big thing that we have talked about any of it at all. I wonder why he's done all the things he has today. The rose, held my hand, let me sit up against him in the park, given me several hugs. Can it be that there's more to it than friendship? He did say that he turned me down in Sydney because he thought I wanted it for the night only, doesn't that imply that he wants more? But, why didn't he just say so?

"Is there something special on your mind?" Frank interrupts my train of thoughts. 

"I was just thinking about today." I smile automatically just at the thought.

"I take it you had a fine day then, want to tell me about it?"

I start telling about everything down to the smallest detail. Well, I do keep how I interpret Harm's behaviour to myself. When I'm done Frank looks at me with an understanding look in his eyes.

"You love him, don't you." It's not a question but a confirmation of a fact. I just nod, why lie about it when he has obviously guessed it all.

"Want to tell me why you and Mic didn't get married? What happened?" 

"Harriet told me that I had been talking in my sleep. She said that I had had two dreams, one that made me happy and one that made me miserable. Both times I had said a name, and Mic wasn't the one I mentioned when I was happy. She said that she thought the one I love loves me too. But I don't think so." It isn't easy to tell him, but I need to talk to someone, that much I've learned through the years.

"What makes you say that?"

"She couldn't let me go through with it when my heart wasn't in it she said."

"No, I mean, why do you think he doesn't love you?" Frank's look goes through the shield I've put up.

"Why should he? Besides, he has Renee. If he loved me, why would he be with her?"

"The same reason you were with Mic." I have never thought about it like that. Can it be that he is with her for the same reason I was with Mic? But why was I together with Mic.

Why be with someone you don't love? But I did love him, didn't I? He was kind, nice, understanding, he offered comfort and security, persuasive, and he loved me. He loved me. He said he loved me. I said me too. I never said the words 'I love you' to him. Why not? I mean, if I did love him, why not say it? Did I love him? Comfort? Security? Was that why I was with him? Was that all I was after? No, it can't be? It couldn't be, could it? 

I start walking, I don't know where to, and I don't care. There are too many thoughts in my head. I didn't love him, did I? Well, I must have loved him in some way, or I wouldn't be with him. I'd rather die an old maid with no family, wouldn't I? No. Did I just say no to wanting to die an old maid rather than having a family with someone I didn't love? I can't have said that. I did, didn't I? I'm confused.

******

I went for a walk in the woods to get a chance to be alone and think about some things, or rather, one thing. What do I do about the Renee-situation? The only reason I've been with her was because Mac wasn't available and so I had to learn to move on. I actually thought I had, but I guess not. No, I wasn't that shallow, I can't have been. Renee wanted me and I did need her as more than just a hot water bottle substitute. But it's time to move on. Renee isn't the one for me. I can see that now. I thought she could be but I was wrong. The problem is that she loves me and not just as some fancy boy-toy. I don't think Mac knows I heard her say to Bugme that a guy who'd go out with Renee must be some mommy's boytoy, but I did. *I* never thought that a woman in her right mind would date Mic, let alone consider marrying him. 

Back to Renee and that 'situation' for lack of a better word. What do I do? The only thing to do is to break up with her. But that has to wait till we get back to DC, and that means I can't make an attempt to even as much as kiss Mac. I want to badly, but I have to break things off with Renee first. Ok, I'll do it first thing Monday morning. I'll get up early and drive by her place before I go to work, then it's done and over with and I can ask Mac out. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Even if Mac doesn't want me I'll end it. It's not fair to Renee to go on when it's not her I really want to be with. 

Will asking Mac out work? Or will she just think that I'm trying to get our friendship back? Does she even want me?

How do I get Mac to realise that I want to get our friendship back *and* after that work towards something more? There's no denying I have feelings for her. 

There is someone walking ahead of me. It looks like Mac. But wasn't she sitting on the front porch a minute ago?

"Mac? Mac?" She doesn't hear me calling for her. I wonder what's on her mind. I've been doing that a lot lately. Especially whether she's thinking about me. And if she does, what does she think?

******

I can feel the sand beneath my feet and between my toes. The wind is playing with my hair. I must be at the bank of the lake. How did I get down here? Does it matter?

"Mac, wait up?" I register Harm calling in the distance; at least I think he's calling.

"Why would I rather be with someone I don't love? Am I afraid to be alone? To be lonely? Am I lonely? No, I'm not lonely; I have my friends and my job. 

A hand is put on my shoulder. I jump. Who is it? I turn around to see it belongs to Harm.

"Didn't you hear me calling?"

I don't reply. What is he doing here?

"Mac, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking." I sit down on the sand and Harm sits down next to me.

"Are you sure? You don't seem ok to me." He's concerned. 

"No, I'm fine, Frank just made me think about everything."

"You wanna talk about it?" 

"No, I want to think it through myself first." I look out over the ocean.

"Do you want me to leave?" 

I don't answer.

"Or do you mind if I stay?"

"Suit yourself, but I'm not in the mood for conversation."

"That's fine." He lies down on his back and looks up at the stars. I do love him. That is, I love Harm, not Mic. Why does everything have to be so complicated? I, too, lie down.

There is a tap on my shoulder. I turn around to look at Harm. He's padding himself on the chest indicating that I can put my head there if I want to. Sure, why not?

******

I wish Mac would confide in me what's troubling her. It gets to me to be nothing but a spectator while she deals with whatever it is on her own. But I guess it takes time to rebuild the trust we once had. The funny thing is I thought we were almost there. These few days have done wonders to our relationship, just like I knew they would if I got her here. She'd never have gone if I had just asked her. I'm glad she trust me enough to at least use me as a pillow. Maybe I should close my eyes and enjoy this while it lasts? 

******

^^^^^^

I don't know how long we lie like that, but in the end I've found the answers I was looking for - or at least some of them. I was with Mic because I needed someone who loved me and who offered me security and an escape from loneliness and the hurt Harm caused when we misunderstood each other that night in Sydney. It was wrong of me to use Mic as an escape and it causes Harm a lot of pain, and I don't want to hurt him. Now I have to go on, either with Harm or without him. He probably doesn't want me; he has Renee, but if he's with her for the same reasons as I was with Mic, then, maybe, there is a hope that it'll all end well. I just can't believe that he'd be with her that long for those reasons. But why would he act towards me as he has while we've been here? What does he want? My friendship or my love? Whichever one of them he wants, it's his. 

Maybe I should just head back to the house and go to bed. I doubt that I can sleep, but it's better than lying here and making Harm worried. He doesn't seem to worry at the moment. He's snoring lightly. I'm lying on my side with my head on his chest and he's got his arm over my waist. It can't hurt to stay here for a little while longer, can it? I snuggle in closer to him; it feels so good. It's where I belong. I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling of him. He's not awake, so he won't mind, and it's not like I'll fall a sleep or anything.

0500 ZULU

THE BANK OF THE LAKE

"Mac, Mac, wake up." The sound of Harm's voice wakes me up. Where am I? What am I doing here? I raise my head and find I've been lying on Harm's chest. Oh yeah, that's right, I was just going to close my eyes and relax for a while.

"Uhm, sorry, guess I fell asleep."

"It's ok, did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, I did." Better than I have in a long time, actually.

"Maybe we better head home, what do you say?"

"Sounds like a plan to me." I'm still a little groggy so I sway a bit as I get up. Harm puts his arm around me to support me before I fall. 

We start walking back to the farm with the arms around each other.

1900 ZULU

NEXT DAY

THE FARM

It's been a nice day so far. But it has also been confusing. Harm and I have been on a walk at the beach. Once again he held my hand as we talked. We beat Trish and Frank at cards. All day long Harm has been doing little things like a touch here a smile there, put his arm around my shoulder to give me a brief hug. Things that a friend would do, but also things that you'd do to get the other person's attention. He's been flirting with me all day as well. Quite frankly, I have no idea what he wants from me, and it's starting to get on my nerves.

At the moment we're having an early dinner. We have to fly back to DC soon. Trish and Frank are in the other end of the room.

"That's my Marine" Harm looks at my empty plate from where he sits on the other side of the table, then up at me. Didn't he expect me to finish it all? What does he mean 'my marine'?

"I've been a good girl, can I have my desert now?" I smile to him.

"What did you have in mind?" He leans closer to me. He's barely an inch from my face. It would be so easy to just lean in and kiss him. Should I? Could I?

"I don't know, do you have any suggestions?" I opt for another way out of the situation, but it only seems to get me further out where I can't swim.

"I could come up with a few. Are you game?" He looks into my eyes and his hand comes up to caress my face.

I nod and reach up to touch his chin. At the same second the phone starts ringing. Bloody phone. Harm lets go of me and answers it.

"Hi Renee. Yeah I'm fine. I miss you too. We'll be back tonight. At my grandma's. Mac. I know, but you don't have to know my every move. To cheer her up after what happened with Mic."

So that was what all this was about. All he wanted to do was to cheer me up, be a good friend. Didn't he just try to kiss me? I can feel the tears coming, but I fight them back. I take my plate and put it next to the sink. I have to get out of here. I fight the urge to run, and walk slowly as my eyes fill with water. As I turn around to close the door behind me I see Frank looking at me. Then I turn and find Harm looking at me; he's still talking to Renee.

"Yeah, I'll see you tonight. Till then." That's all I hear before the door closes behind me. I walk over to the chair. I don't know why I don't go somewhere else, but my legs refuse to obey my order. They feel heavy, so I sit down. I can hear the sounds from the house.

******

Why did Renee have to call here? And why now? I was just about to kiss Mac. I was what? No I wasn't, was I. Hmm, yeah, I was, and I wanted to, I want to. How did Renee figure out where I was anyway? I don't want to see her tonight. Where did Mac go? 

******

"What happened to Mac?" The sound of Harm walking over to the couch comes through the open window.

"Nothing dear, I just think she needed some air." Trish answers him.

"I don't think so." Frank disagrees.

"What do you mean?" Harm and Trish say in unison.

"I think it was hearing you talk to Renee that made her walk out."

"But why?" Harm sounds confused. Can't he even figure that one out himself? Tears begin to flow down my cheeks, but I hardly notice them.

"All weekend you've been acting like you're in love with her and want her, but then you tell Renee that you miss her." 

"Shouldn't I? I mean, that's what Renee wanted to hear."

"You're missing the point, son. How would you feel if the one who was the reason your wedding got cancelled came on to you, and in the next second the person tells someone else that he misses her?"

"But Renee is my girlfriend."

"Do you think that makes Mac feel less pain?" Franks tried to reason with him.

"Are you saying that her wedding got cancelled because of me? But I didn't do anything."

'No, but how blind can you be, Harm. The only thing she didn't say was that the one I love is you. Yes, you were the reason. I take a deep breath.'

"No, you didn't. Maybe you should have. But Harriet did. Pretty convenient for you isn't it?" The tone in Frank's voice gets tougher.

"Why?"

"Do you recall what Harriet said?"

"Yeah, that Mic didn't make her happy. It didn't take a professional to see that." Harm sounds defensive.

Poor thing, he's going through an interrogation.

"Not that part, the other."

"No, I don't. What does it matter?"

What does it matter? Harm, wake up and smell the morning, the other part is what was the reason I ran out of the church.

"She said that the one Mac really loves also love her. And during this weekend I started to think Harriet was right, but now I'm not so sure." Frank sounds annoyed. 

"Yeah? What's your point?"

"Think Harm." Trish interrupts.

Thank you, Trish.

"Are you saying that you think I love Mac?"

A sob escapes me. I cry as silently as I can; I know it's impossible to hold back any more. I guess that's it then; he doesn't love me.

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Frank says.

"Don't you?" Trish voice is low and relaxed.

"Then you're also saying that Mac loves me." 

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. But you didn't answer your mother's question." Frank says.

"Uhm." Harm still doesn't answer.

"Son, why can't you say it out loud? I can see the answer on your face. Are you afraid that if you say it you can't deny it to yourself any longer?" Trish wants to know.

"Maybe." He sounds reluctant.

"But you know it's true, in your heart you already know, so why not say it?" 

"Ok. Yes mum, I do love Mac." He sounds relieved. 

He loves me? Harm loves me? A smile spreads on my face.

"Go talk to her son. She's on the front porch." The sound of Frank's voice reaches me. How does he know where I am. Ups, I guess he can see me through the window.

"We'll be going for a walk. We expect you to have talked to her by the time we get back." Trish must be smiling cause she sounds happy.

******

I love Mac. I love Mac. I love Mac! The voice inside my head keeps getting stronger and stronger. I feel like screaming it from the rooftop. Actually, I think I've known for a while, I just haven't dared say it, not even to myself. It's a relief to finally have admitted it. It's so typical of mum to get me to see it - and to tell me to do something about it. Hell, she's giving orders here, but maybe that's what I need. Mac loves me, that's what she said, wasn't it? Just before, it was what mum said, wasn't it? Yeah, Mac loves me. Now I just have to tell Mac that I love her too. I want her to know, but can I tell her? Just look at what it took for me to realise it myself. I have to or I'll be the loser in this situation, and mum will start yelling at me.

******

^^^^^^

"Is it true?" The sound of Harm's voice is next to my ear. He sits down on the garden hammock.

"What?" I can't get myself to answer even though I know perfectly well what he's referring to.

"That I was the reason Harriet stopped your wedding with Mic?"

"Yeah." I don't know what to say.

"You could have told me." 

"So could you." I didn't mean for it to sound like an accusation, but it does.

"I thought that Mic was what you wanted. I had no right to interfere with your happiness."

"I wish you had." The sound coming out of my mouth is the sound of defeat.

"So do I. Oh, Mac." Then he pulls me close and I let the sobs that have been on hold out as he holds me tight.

When I've regained control over myself I look up at him.

"Mac, I, I don't know what to say.. I want" he takes a deep breath "I can't, but I have to. Mac, I." He can't get the words out but I know what he means. He can't do anything at the moment, no matter how much he wants to. His principles forbid him to.

"I know, you still have some unfinished business to take care of" I say.

"Renee." He replies. It's more of a statement than anything else.

"Yeah." Then he presses me hard against his chest as he kisses my hair.

THE END.


End file.
